A Whole Lotta Nothing
by Jack Thee Arse
Summary: LegolasEowyn parody. Chapter the third: Faramir comes on the scene
1. Wherein Legolas and Eowyn find love

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Note: I like the whole Eowyn/Legolas thing as much as the next person...who likes Eowyn/Legolas pairing...though not the people who don't...because, then, what I said above would just be contradicting, now wouldn't it? *blink* Yeah. As I said, I like them coupled and all, but I *must* do a parody of it--I must. Yes, I am "strange", "odd", and--if you wish--a bit "insane". But hey, if you don't find it funny, that ain't my problem kiddies. I'm not doing this for you. 

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Random kid: Then why, ass, _are_ you placing it on ff.net?

Hahaha. Well kid, it's simple. It's--  
  
**A Whole Lotta Nothing  
By: **Jackass  
**Chapter: **ekjfb784yqng983q4; Legolas and Eowyn find love  
**Disclaimer is as the following: **I love beans--no, not Sean _Bean_. Just beans. I find the Bean--as in _Sean_ Bean--offensive. For, at night, he just won't stop singing. I tell him that he can't sing, and even throw shoes at him...but he.just.won't.stop.

It was a beautiful night. The illumination of the heavens shown down upon the world below, immersing all with a silver blaze. The sky was cobalt as thin wisps of clouds curled around the moon, which hung there in the cool, night sky. And though much war, hatred, and mistrust--which is almost the same as hatred, but not quite hatred, because then it wouldn't be mistrust, it would be hatred--was still thick in the air, but the sweet scent of hope lingered, giving every creature below...uh...hope? Yeah, hope.

Legolas could not sleep, for there was a bean--no, not _Sean_ Bean--under all his mattresses, thus giving him back spasms, thus causing him to toss and turn, thus causing him to wake...and thus causing him to cuss a blue streak because he lost the better bed to Gimli. 

Damn dwarf! Legolas Greenleaf--in case you forgot his last name, I shall remind that it is _still_ Greenleaf--was never good at "rock, paper, scissors". Gimli _always_ beat him with paper. You think Legolas would learn by now... No, not this halfwit...

"Stupid dwarf!" Legolas kicked Gimli, next to him--no, not in the same bed...or were they?--but, alas!, all his stumpy friend did in response was bark, or moan, or something. Legolas couldn't tell. Even with his elf ears, everything Gimli said sounded like barking. Ruff!

Aragorn, mouth wide open and a fresh puddle of drool beneath his face, was sleeping soundly enough. To the elf, Aragorn's drool was like a peaceful river, flowing out of his mouth--which Legolas guessed would be the waterfall--and into the puddle below--which would be the river--and, thus, being relaxing and all with its relaxingness. Good Gord, the ranger needed to see someone about that drooling problem. Poor Arwen... Maybe that's why she was so wet and moody every morning?

Anyways, tired, angry, and annoyed with his haircut, Legolas wandered out into the hallway where he could get some air. Gord help the men that lay next to Aragorn. They'll probably drown in their sleep. The hallway was cool and deserted of any life that was human. Only ghosts of the dead and shadows walked quietly along, whispering that their doom was near...

"Where the hell did _that_ come from?" Legolas questioned.

Where did what come from?

"The whole "ghosts whispering their doom" thing? What ghosts? Whose doom? My doom? Their doom? Your doom? The people's doom that are next to Aragorn?"

You ask to many questions. Go back to walking, damnit!

"Fine..." Legolas grumbled, stalking along the corridor. Though the cool air was comforting against his face and the stars above gave him some peace, he was annoyed nonetheless. Restless as well. Perhaps killing random people would help? 

The elf stopped by a window, allowing the air of the night to stream through his hair, which is blond by the way. "No... No time to give into my madness and fall to some kind of psychotic break and kill everyone...kill...all..." Legolas then promptly shook his head. "No, none of that...tonight anyway. Hehehehehehehehehahahahahahahhoohohohohooo!" Legolas sighed contently. 

With all of his psychotic and insane snickering, he failed to hear the soft footfall of the lovely maiden behind him, who seemed just as lost in her insane thoughts as the elf was in his.

"Hehehehehe! Kill everyone! I mean..." Eowyn stifled her crazy cackling, but didn't see the elf before her, who intern didn't see the human behind him, who intern didn't make out the elf in front of her, who intern liked beans...no not _Sean_ Bean...

__

Thwack!--and--Slam!--and such futile things!

They rammed into each other.

Legolas so intelligently responded with something along the lines of this: "Ow, what the fuck? You stupid... I mean... Hi!" 

Eowyn answered with just as much aptitude. "Holy Gord, you biotch! You just rammed into my... I mean, holy idiotic idiots batman! It's an elf!" 

Legolas felt his pointed ears. "Indeed, I am an elf... Methinks..."

"Yay!---I mean, charmed." Eowyn composed herself, then stood next to him, by the window. "'Tis a beautiful night, is it not?"

"No, it really isn't. I just woke up from a lumpy, bean-packed--not _Sean_ Bean, mind you--bed with Gimli's face in mine and with Aragorn's drool puddle flooding out the room. Sooo, how's your night going?"

"Uh... Better than yours, Master Elf."

"It's Legolas, _not Master Elf_. Legolas, damnit!"

Eowyn hadn't really spoken the elf's name much these past days, but now she tried, on account that he was yelling at her and forcing her to do so. "Legolas.... Legolasssss.... You're right. It does have a nice ring to it: Leeegooolasss...."

"Okay, now you're just ruining it..."

Eowyn closed her eyes to him and was quite for the longest time, causing Legolas to believe she had fallen to sleep, so he began walking away, but then she started to talk again--damn! Almost got away, eh elfy? "I haven't seen many elf folk. What are they like?"

"Eh?"

"Elves. What are they like?"

Legolas walked back to her, grumbling incoherent things, and other things that I refuse to type out of pity of the readers. "Well, for most of the year we live in forests and eat humans, but when winter comes upon the world, we travel to the "North Pole", where we are forced to build toys for little brats that don't deserve them, and fall helpless under the stern hand of "Santa Clause"."

"Really?"

"No."

"Oh." Eowyn shifted awkwardly next to the elf. "So you _don't_ eat humans?"

Legolas shook his head, smiling slightly. "No, of course not." The elf gazed at Eowyn's neck...her lovely neck...so delicate and neck-like.... Hmmm, fresh blood. He leaned closer, closer, even closer, but then Eowyn noticed this and backed away suddenly.

"What are you doing?"

"Trying to suck your blood."

"Oh, okay then." Eowyn stretched her hands out the window before her, to the midnight sky above, as if she could wrap her fingers around its beauty. "It's so beautiful out there. But I am caged within here, forever to be a slave to men. My freedom beckons me Legolas, it calls to me every--would you not do that?" She sighed while pushing Legolas' face away from her neck. 

The Elf shrugged. "Primal instincts. What're ya gonna do?"

"What troubles you Sir Elf?"

"It's _Legolas_, and didn't we already go through this? Or do you mean besides the beans in my bed?"

"Besides the beans, Legolas." Eowyn turned to the elf now, watching his peaceful face. She hadn't noticed before, but he was certainly beautiful, with his beauty and all. "Gord, yer purdy."

"Huh?"

"Eh?"

"Huh?"

"Eh?"

"Wha?"

"Swah?"

"Did you just call me ugly?" Legolas raised a dark brow. Though his hair was most certainly light, his eyebrows remained black, or dark brown, whatever you want baby. 

"Perhaps, Legolas...perhaps...." Eowyn nodded matter-of-factly. "I once thought I was in love with Aragorn you know..."

"Who, the drooler?"

"Yes... But now, I realize that he can never truly return my love, for his heart belongs to another..."

"It was the drool thing that turned you off, wasn't it?"

The young maiden sighed. "Yes, among other things. Do you know he's afraid of clowns? I mean, _deathly_ afraid."

"Who's not?" Legolas moved away from her, "don't lemme catch you talkin' shit 'bout my dawg!"

"Huh?"

"Gord, I think I'm in love with you."

"As am I."

The two embarrassed suddenly, kissing each other almost savagely. Wark, what a picture. But, alas, there were no cameras back then, so no picture for all you perverts out there. Anyway, as they showed their love "physically" for one another, Legolas suddenly had a thought:

"How much wood can a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?"

"My guess would be 76." 

Of course neither of them could understand each other, seeing as their words were all mumbled and such. 

Anyway, for no reason whatsoever, Aragorn awoke, staggering down the room he was currently in, in some sort of drunken haze. He pushed Gimli with his foot and hung over him. Now, picture waking up with a drunkard in your face saying jumbled and unintelligent things....scary, isn't it?

Gimli opened his eyes and said, "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Aragorn smiled warmly. "Gims, I can't seem to find Legolas. I looked everywhere: in his bed, under his bed, above his bed... All I really found were beans..."

"Sean Bean?"

"No, just beans. So, will you help me find him."

Gimli paused for a brief, fleeting moment. "No."

"I'll take that as a yes!" Aragorn pulled Gimli--despite his protests--out of his bed and dragged him down the hall.

**-das ende-**

...for now....hehehehehehehehehehe....*cough*...ha...


	2. Wherein much cavorting takes place

**A Whole Lotta Nothing  
By: **George Washington--yes, he "dabbles" in fanfiction from beyond the grave *wiggles fingers insanely and makes stupid ghost sounds*  
**Chapter: **nkd9843qbjkdsaf0278r; Wherein things happen, many things, many things which you wouldn't understand, many things which you wouldn't understand that would scare you beyond all reckoning and would make you vomit with rage and terror and would go on and on and on and on to the point of insanity. *takes breath* INDEED!  
**Disclaimer is as the following: **The other day I found out some horrible news: Orlando Bloom and Sean Connery are the same person. Be afraid. Gord, isn't Connery so sexy? With all that white hair? *blinks* Shut up. 

"LEGOLAS!!!!!!!!!"

And thus it came. A name said with such love and passion that it made one think that perhaps all those slash fics between Aragorn and Legolas might hold some truth in them. Or not, whatever floats your boat. Either way, Aragorn was running through the halls, clutching Gimli with one hand and dragging him behind, whilst waving his free hand in the air about them. Somehow, in Aragorn's mind, this would make the elf appear.

Further up that same hallway, about a few centimeters away, in the collision course with Aragorn and Gimli, and in for a lotta pain, stood Legolas and Eowyn. 

"Did you hear my name?" The elf, Legolas with a Green plus the leaf, said. 

Actually he **asked** this, for there is a question mark after that sentence. The "**?**" after a sentence--which is indeed the "question mark" or "query mark", if you wish--indicates the use of a question. So Legolas would not be **saying** this, he would be **asking** this. Legolas, if you would so kindly start again...

"Very well." Legolas cleared his gullet, and repeated: "Did you hear my name?" The elf, Legolas with a Green plus the leaf, **asked**.

Ah, much better for the prissy people.

"Did you just call me prissy?" Eowyn promptly whacked Legolas on the back of his pretty elvin head.

"No, I didn't, you prissy biotch." Legolas then smacked--not punched, for she is indeed a girl and Legolas is a gentlemen and would not punch a girl--on that back of _her_ head.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Aragorn announced.

"What the hell is that?" Eowyn punched Legolas in the stomach and whirled around to see Aragorn and the dwarf--not hobbit--Gimli running toward them. "Is that Aragorn and the dwarf--not hobbit--Gimli running toward them--er--us?"

Legolas then repeatedly beat Eowyn over the head with his boot. "You know Eowyn, I believe you are right. And there is so little time to get out of the way."

Whilst rubbing the sore spot upon her head, Eowyn cried out, "They're heading straight for us!"

"Yeah, I think that was already established."

"Are you thinking what I'm thinking, Legolas?" Eowyn waggled her eyebrows and snuggled closer to her elfy lover.

"You want to do it in an airplane bathroom too?"

"Eh? No, I was going to give you an ear massage, but hey, whatever!"

Aragorn and Gimli, given so little time to maneuver their collision course to another hallway, then slammed into the two before them, after about an hour or so more of screaming and running and announcing that they were coming. 

"Ow!" Aragorn asked.

"I like beans!" Legolas retorted.

"Do you like Sean Connery?" Aragorn thought.

"You are soaked, you know that?" Legolas sang.

"If the river tells you to." Aragorn whispered.

"I would love to move, but a house has landed on my right pinky toe." Legolas inquired as he cavorted down a daisy field.

"Not before me!" Aragorn wept.

Eowyn and Gimli stared in disbelief at the pair as they spoke to each other using the wrong verbal words to announce what they meant, therefore confusing the hell out of the lady and the stubby dwarf. 

"What the hell are they doing?" Eowyn asked. The first to use "**ask**" correctly after a sentence in a loooong while.

"Ah, they do this all the time when they run into each other." Gimli merely shrugged his broad shoulders. "And they really do run into each other _a lot_. Wanna join them?"

"Hell no." Eowyn rose up from the position she was previously in. That position was as the following: head first in a whole in the wall. For after being rammed into by the ranger and the dwarf, she ended up with her head in a whole in the wall.

"I have a better idea!" Eowyn declared--also used correctly in this sentence by the way--and pulled on both Aragorn's and Legolas' ears. "Let's switch shoes!"

"NOOOOO!" All agreed to the idea of the switching of the shoes. In fact, all were more than happy to cooperate in this thrilling new idea that they named it "Operation Switching of the Shoes". Aragorn argued that they should all switch clothes as well, but since no one actually listens to him, they only switched shoes.

After "Operation Switching of the Shoes" took place, and after ten minutes of them switching shoes with each other, all managed to have their original pair back on their feet.

"Well, this is all wrong!" Eowyn took off her shoes and beat Legolas over the head with them. 

"I concur!" Legolas....uh....concurred.

So they all tried "Operation Switching of the Shoes" again and again, but ended up with the same results. After the twenty-sixth time, all dubbed "Operation Switching of the Shoes" a failure and tried another. This new one was christened "Procedure Replacement of the Boots", or, for you Germans out there, "Verfahren Wiedereinbau der Aufladungen", which then translates back to "Procedure re-installation of the loadings".

Anyhow, if you did not have boots, you were not allowed to takes place in "Procedure Replacement of the Boots" or "Procedure re-installation of the loadings", if you wish. Many found this restricting compared to the first "Operation Switching of the Shoes" because now only boot clad people could participate, whereas before all people of various shoes could. 

This lead to anti-boot riots and eventually brought about the war that forced the women and children and elderly of Rohan to Helms Deep. Sad really, how it all started with "Procedure re-installation of the loadings". Tsk, tsk, tsk.

"You know, in French it's "Remplacement de procédé des bottes"." Aragorn nodded matter-of-factly. Everyone then took off their shoes and threw them at the ranger, rendering him unconscious.

Eowyn stood up again and cried out: "I have an idea!"

Groans of joy could plainly be heard. "Haven't you had too many ideas already?" A random guy called out.

"No, biotch!" Eowyn silenced this man by beating him to death with many boots. "This idea is much better! Let's all go cavorting down a daisy field!"

Unlike her previous ideas, people liked this new one and enjoyed cavorting, frolicking, prancing, skipping and gamboling down a field of daisies. Oh the enjoyment, the pleasure, the delight! Oh the--

"--humanity!!!!! For the love of all that is holy within the beloved earth that is middle, make this stop!" Legolas screamed, down upon his knees. "Why! Why? WHY!!!!"

"But Legolas, don't you enjoy frolicking? I thought elves liked that stuff." Aragorn intertwined daises within his hair. "Come, Legolas, join us...." Aragorn then proceeded to groan like a zombie, but then hoards of shoes--er--boots flew at him, rending him once more unconscious.

"Not this elf!" Legolas jabbed a finger proudly in his stomach. "I'm not the cavorting kind."

"Legolas, I demand that you cavort!" Eowyn scratched the elf behind his ears. "Cavort damn you, cavort!"

Because Eowyn resorted to scratching Legolas behind the ears, rendering him childlike and gleeful, he was pretty much useless at that moment and could utter nothing but: "Teeheehee." 

"Wait a minute!" Aragorn grabbed hold of Gimli and pushed him so close to his own face that the dwarf couldn't breath. "Do you see what I see Gims?"

"Probably not."

Aragorn pointed slowly towards Legolas and Eowyn. "Look harder." The clouds grew dark overhead and a grumbling of thunder could be heard as spider-like veins of lightening streaked through the heavens above. "You see? He lives in you..."

"What the hell are you babbling about, human?"

"Do you think, Gims, that it's possible that Eowyn and Legolas, that those two right there, right there practically being pointed at by my finger, those two right there Gims, do you think that those two are an...." Aragorn took a dramatic breath, "an....ITEM?!"

"Would you stop calling me Gims!"

Aragorn gasped in the realization and at that moment the clouds parted and the grace of the good and ever-loving Gord was bestowed upon the ranger, and Aragorn could see things which he never could before, and wished he could never again. "Ah, my eyes, they BURN!"

Uh, yeah, and Aragorn could feel things he couldn't and so on and so forth. Aragorn at that moment knew everything. Or perhaps it was because Eowyn and Legolas were "swappin' spit" over by a tree, either way, Aragorn just knew, just knew that there was something going on between Eowyn and Legolas...

"Ah, probably not." Aragorn shrugged and cavorted away.

Oh, dear Gord....

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Now your brain has been turned to goo. Enjoy you new source of goo.


	3. Wherein Faramir comes on the scene

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A Whole Lotta Nothing  
By: The never-ending, always fun, gourd lovin', bean hatin', opinionated bastard.  
**Chapter: **3928jkhj428645; Faramir comes on scene. Yes, sexy-ugly Faramir...  
**Disclaimer is as the following: **George, George, George of the jungle, friend to you and me! George, George, George of the jungle, watch out for that tree! 

Ah. Indeed. So it was, like it was before, and like it will most likely always be. George Bush is the president (don't cry, kiddies), Al Gore is still not the president and is STILL boring and Colin Powell is still often mistaken for "Colin Power!". I often wonder why. Why? Why didn't Colin's parents just name him "Fred" or "Dave" or something normal? But that doesn't have a bloody thing to do with this story.

Anyway, where we last left off, the lovely Eowyn and the "fool of a Greenleaf" Legolas were swappin' spit by a tree. Aragorn was too dense to figure out why and Gimli...well, the stubby dwarf didn't give one shit. 

"Aragorn?" Gimli nudged the sleepy Aragorn, who was being sleepy by a great big oak tree that just happened to be in the field where the last chapter took place. "Have you noticed something strange with Legolas and Eowyn?"

Aragorn rubbed his eyes and yawned. "Who?"

"You're one crayon short of a twenty-four pack, aren't you?"

Aragorn stared at the strange dwarf. What the hell was a "crayon"? In fact, what the hell was a "dwarf"? As Aragorn contemplated these things, all of the current species of people that were on the field were magically transported back to Rohan, where the first chapter took place, because the magical author felt like making magical things happen. The author wiggled his/hers/its magical fingers.

"Ooh," Aragorn hummed. "Magical..."

"What the hell just happened?" The magical Legolas questioned. Yes, indeed! Legolas is magically...magical. Whatever.

Eowyn, who was too enthralled by the magically magical-ness of Legolas, simply said, "Ooh, magical..."

"No, you're thinking of Elrond. Hmm. Magically delicious Elrond..." Legolas quickly snapped out of his homoerotic thoughts. "Er... That was queer."

"AH HA!" A familiar, yet no-so-familiar voiced cried out! No! Yes! Maybe?

A collective gasp was heard. A collective intake of air followed (which is pretty much the same as a gasp, I suppose), which was then followed by a collective groan. Faramir, in all his sexy-ugly glory was standing before the group of strange and overall gay companions. 

"I KNEW IT!" Faramir, the oh so sexy-ugly man, screamed. "SO! YOU ARE CHEATING ON ME? I KNEW IT--"

Legolas promptly threw a boot at the stranger's head. "Damnit, man! Stop with the friggin' caps locks!"

"WHAT...?" Faramir cleared his throat and repeated: "Ah ha! Eowyn! I found you at last! But in the arms of another? Oh, woe is me! How could such terrible fate befall me? Why? Oh, lamentations and such! Oh--"

"Who the hell _are_ you?" Legolas threw another boot at the strange, sexy-ugly man. "Are you some kind of strange, sexy-ugly man or something? And how the hell did we get back in Rohan? And why is Colin Powell grabbing my ass?"

"Sorry." Mr. Powell, Secretary of State, composed himself and slinked away.

"Er..." Eowyn blush profusely and held tighter to Legolas. "Tee hee." She said innocently. Legolas is quite the weird elf. Think about it. His eyebrows don't match his friggin' hair! WHY?! "Legolas, I might have forgotten to mention that I'm Faramir's bitch."

"Word." Faramir tried to pose gangster style, but failed terribly and a great hoard of shoes and boots rendered him briefly unconscious. 

Legolas scrunched his elfy brows. "What the hell's a "Faramir"?

"The guy lying unconscious by our feet." Eowyn poked Faramir with a stick until he was conscience again. "Faramir, it appears I no longer want to be an "item" with you. I'm afraid you must move on."

"WHAT!?" Faramor rose to his feet in an angry, fuming, enraged, furious rage. But being all those words that mean "angry" tired the sexy-ugly man out. Therefore he was no longer angry, just simply tired, weary, worn out and sexy-ugly. "WHY? WHY DO YOU NOT LOVE ME SO, MY LOVE!?"

"Uh... I suppose because Book-Faramir is so much better than Movie-Faramir, who is sexy-ugly and who has a bad attitude problem." Eowyn nodded matter-of-factly. "I guess Movie-Faramir is just too ugly for me. My taste runs more for pretty boys with nice abs."

Aragorn crossed his arms before his chest and smiled happily. "Ooh, I like those kinda guys too..."

Legolas looked around for this said pretty boy with nice abs. "Gods, Eowyn, how many other men are there?"

"I was talking about you, you nicely abbed fool!"

"Oh. All right then."

Faramir jumped up and down and pointed at Eowyn accusingly. "HARLOT! WHY? WHY DO YOU CHEAT ON ME WITH THIS SEXY ELF?" Faramir laid his hand over his forehand and sighed loudly in an exaggerated manner. "I THOUGHT WE HAD SOMETHING SPECIAL! I THOUGHT OUR LOVE WOULD LAST SEVERAL LIFE TIMES AND BEYOND, AS THAT ONE SONG SUGGESTS! YOU WERE THE WIND BENEATH MY WINGS, AS THAT OTHER SONG SUGGESTS! WHY? WHY DO YOU NOT WANT ME?!"

"Uh, because you are ugly?"

Faramir kneeled upon the ground and balled his fists and raised them to the heavens and howled to the moon and all that stuff. "WHY?!"

"Because you are ugly."

"WHAT IS IT THAT YOU ARE TRYING TO TELL ME, EOWYN?!"

"That you are ugly."

Faramir pondered her words for quite some time, Aragorn pondered why Eowyn was clinging to Legolas (yes, he _still_ doesn't know why...), Gimli pondered of his favorite shampoo, and Legolas pondered the age-old question "What the hell is a Faramir?" and "What does a Faramir do?". Eomer is sexy and the author is angered by the fact that his name isn't on the dropdown character menu in the Lord of the Rings section of fanfiction.net. The author pondered such things.

"I still don't know why you don't like me, Eowyn, but I suppose I will just have to get over it and move on." Faramir sucked in some air and cried out, "OH, CRUEL AND UNKIND FATE! WHY DO YOU MOCK ME SO?!" 

Faramir stood up from off the ground and stared at Legolas. "Uh... Is it normal that I'm having homosexual thoughts about you, Legolas?"

Legolas laughed lightly. Now say that three times fast. "No, whoever you are. Everyone wants me. Every man, woman and inanimate object has been with me at one point or another." Legolas chuckled. Then he laughed. Then he posed arrogantly and some wind came and blew open his shirt, revealing his nice abs.

"Slut..." Gimli muttered.

"Even. Aragorn?" Faramir asked.

Legolas smiled proudly and nodded. "Yes, even Aragorn, Farmer."

"My name's FARAMIR!"

"Whatever, Framer."

Faramir gasped at the realization. "Even Gandalf?"

"Yes, everyone."

"Even...Gimli?"

"Yes, I slept with EVERYONE."

"Even Treebeard...?"

"I said EVERYONE, damnit!"

There was a strange, sharp sound that cut through the air at that moment, interrupting Faramir and Legolas' strange conversation about strange things. Treebeard came from out of nowhere and landed on top of Faramir. "Oops..." Said the big Ent.

Everyone laughed a very hammy laugh and said, "Oh, that Treebeard!"


End file.
